I had an orgasm without permission this week.
I knew that J would have no way of knowing that I had broken a rule unless I confessed, and that got me thinking about submission and what it means to me. If I only follow orders at my convenience, what kind of submissive am I?
So I considered it.
I confessed to J that I came without permission, and He was upset that I had broken one of His rules. He wanted me to know that His rules are not arbitrary, there is a very good reason behind each and every one of them (whether or not I am allowed to know is up to Him).
I worry that I don't give J enough credit sometimes. I may assume He hasn't considered something, but I always turn out to be wrong. Sometimes I ask permission for something and I think to myself, "whether He says yes or no, I'll be happy regardless" only to have Him come up with an answer and an explanation that far exceeds my expectations.
As punishment, I wasn't allowed to have an orgasm for days. J also made sure to tell me about every massive erection He had, and kept me perpetually turned on for the entire length of my punishment. I was tempted *many* times to just give in to my urges, and lie to Him. I scoured the internet for experiences like mine and found a wonderful article on Fetlife called "The Convenient Submissive" that addressed the problem directly. (I've written to the author asking permission to reproduce her work on the blog, hopefully she will give me the go ahead and you can read the full article here soon). **EDIT** The author of the article gave me a link to her writing, you can read it here.
"At whose convenience is your submission?" was the question posed by the author. She also clarified the difference between individual acts of submission and being the submissive in a relationship. This article helped me to realize that if I want to fully immerse myself in this lifestyle and reap all of the rewards it offers, I must give myself wholeheartedly to J. I must realize that His wants will not always be in tune with my own, but it is my duty to obey Him at all times and trust that His decisions will be right for us. The feeling of fulfillment that came over me after coming to this realization was wonderful.
So I've been very obedient, and J and I are closer now than we were before. We talked at length about His Dominance and my submission, our limits and our feelings. He has decided to take more control of me and my life, and we are both benefiting immensely from this exchange.
My punishment was difficult for me, but I learned FAR more from it than I ever would have anticipated about obedience, submission, the nature of my relationship with J and myself.
xoxoxo,
A
There are far too many who seek to get away with as much as can be gotten.
ReplyDeleteThey do not understand what it means to give yourself over to his authority and abide by the rules laid forth.
They do not understand the freedom that comes with simple obedience because they're still too busy having everything their own way.