How to know what your sub needs?
by AptGirl 1 day ago
Seems to me there are several categories of wants (not exhaustive but just illustrative),
1. Wants one freely admits to and asks for
2. Wants one cannot admit to but might hint at
3. Wants one cannot admit and cannot ask for
4. Wants one doesn't know they want
5. and finally not wanting something at all
What I'm having problems with is determining whether a kink is in category 3,4,or 5. An example might be forced-bi with a strait sub. I ask them what their fears are and they say it as one of their main fears (not limits but fears). Is this being brought up by them makes me want to put it in category 3 or 4. But what if I'm wrong and it's really 5?
My question is...
do you have any advice or techniques for telling what a sub really wants? What is "fantasy only" and what you should try and bring into reality to fulfill a buried desire?
There were some pretty brutal responses, and some uncalled for jokes and comments. I found that to be pretty offensive.
The question got me thinking, and this is the response I sent to the OP.
I came across your post on the "Ask a Dominant Questions" group and was pretty appalled by some of the answers you received. You didn't pose your question as a joke, you didn't answer your own question in the post - I'm not sure why everybody seemed to misunderstand the points you raised.
I can only speak from a sub's perspective, but I believe I have an understanding of your question and can appreciate where you're coming from.
In terms of discovering hidden/unknown desires and kinks, I have found pornography to be an excellent resource. I started reading stories on Literotica years ago, and pretty quickly discovered new and interesting concepts that turned me on immensely. I consume pornography to discover what turns me on, not necessarily to see what I think turns me on.
That being said, sexuality is a fluid thing, and sexual history has a lot to do with hang ups a person might have. Whether due to abuse, religious upbringing, or just skewed attitudes towards specific genders or behaviors - these attitudes change and evolve, opening up new realms of possibilities all the time. I love keeping up to date Yes/No/Maybe lists for this reason.
I would recommend voraciously reading, learning and questioning all subjects regarding sexuality, especially taboo issues. So long as you keep your sub and yourself (and anybody else involved) safe in terms of emotional and physical pain or trauma, anything is fair game, really.
When my Dom and I discuss limits and trying new things, I make sure that I inform Him if I'm not sure how I will react in a situation. I am clear in giving permission for Him to use His judgement when the time arises, but in response He must be prepared for whatever reaction I may have. I may scream bloody murder, puke, or start crying/laughing hysterically, and I trust that He will act accordingly. That's part of the risk involved in exploring uncharted territory.
You're a graduate student, so you must be accustomed to researching topics and have above average critical thinking skills. I would use those strengths to try and expand your horizons as much as possible, and test the waters with your sub. So long as you are both open, honest and trusting of each other each step of the way, you can't go wrong.
Don't let the message board creeps get to you.
Happy Domming! Hope I've been of help,
Axle
What do you folks think?
No comments:
Post a Comment