I can be a social butterfly when I'm so inclined, but J felt that the time I spent cultivating some of these virtual relationships could have been better spent elsewhere, and I agree.
At first I thought that the notion was out of line, to be honest. I enjoy talking to people, and I like to think that I am a good listener. However, the flip side of that is I can end up spending a lot of time listening to others and not necessarily get the same treatment in return. My attention was divided many ways and I was getting spread pretty thin. J noticed this and decided to address it.
We spent a fair amount of time discussing and researching common etiquette and protocols within the BDSM culture, and debated the pros and cons of restricting my communication with my fellow online kinksters. I posted a question on the Submissive Women group on Fetlife ( >25k members) and another this evening on Ask a Dominant Questions ( >3k members) seeking out the opinions of others in this area.
This was my question:
"Do you Dom/mes restrict or control who your sub communicates with online or in real life? I'm thinking of their relationships with others in the BDSM lifestyle in particular.
Why or why not, and has it weakened or strengthened your relationship?"
I was pretty surprised, to be honest. I would estimate that 95% of the responses claimed that they didn't believe it was necessary or "right". Most people responding said that trust was a major part of their decision, and that they wouldn't be in a relationship of any type with somebody that they didn't trust. I don't think it has much of anything to do with trust with the two of us, it's more about power exchange, control, and my best interests.
J has unfettered access to my body 24/7, as well as access to both of my computers and everything on them. I don't keep anything from Him, and I don't think that I could lie to Him even if I wanted to. Do I think that some of the people who contact me would like to engage in some type of sexually charged relationship? Maybe a few. Are some of the friendships not mutually beneficial? Absolutely. Should J as my Dom have a say in who I communicate with? I want Him to exert His influence and control over all aspects of my life - nothing is off limits, but everything is up for discussion and debate.
I'm not a mindless slave without opinions. I consensually give the gift of my submission to J, and He does not accept it lightly. He fully understands and accepts the implications that come with that gift, and we both benefit as a result. J wanted to make a logical decision on this topic, not one fueled by jealousy or distrust, that would be in both of our best interests. That is why we spent such a long time talking about it, and seeking out the experiences of others.
I trust J with my life, physically and emotionally. I trust His judgement completely.
The following is what I posted regarding our stance on the subject.
"Well, to clarify a bit - We engage in a consensual power exchange that we both find exciting and erotic, and our relationship is rewarding and fulfilling for both of us. This was something that my Dom and I spent quite a bit of time talking about before we came to any hard rules regarding it.
I write a blog about our journey into D/s, and I've had some people reach out to me via it to chat, ask questions, etc. I can be very social, although at times it can be tiring for me, and people have a habit of telling me their secrets and life stories. I can get very involved with people and their lives, and it isn't always a two way street.
My Dom considers me a prized possession, and He sees it as proper etiquette when others in the community respect our relationship enough to inquire with Him before communicating with me. It's difficult for me to say "no" sometimes, and He has had to step in a few times to remind me where my time and attention is best spent.
In general for us, if an arbitrary rule turns Him on and isn't detrimental to me emotionally or physically, it's fair game. Most of our rules are for my benefit however, and revolve around my self improvement, sexual prowess and confidence.
We have put the matter to rest between us, but I am still interested in how others deal with this issue."
So, what do you think?
-A
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