Fucking Up.

Wow - My first trip to a gay bar, and I ended up getting tongue from a transsexual.

J wasn't happy about it, and it lead to a bit of a discussion. I had asked Him before if the idea of seeing me with a woman excited Him, and He asserted that it would be hot, but reality can bite. J wasn't at the bar, He is still away on science business, but I called him as soon as I got in to tell him about my evening.

I don't dance, or go out to bars/clubs, it's just not my scene - especially after being drugged at a packed bar one night in 2007. However, my awesome gay roomie and his best buddy convinced me that it would be a good time, and so off we went to Reflections.


We started drinking at the house before we left, and then ran to catch a bus. We sat at the back (since we're the cool kids) and I, being the social butterfly that I am, started talking to all the sexy bitches who flooded onto the bus heading downtown. I'm usually pretty social, but when I've been drinking it goes into overtime, and I think that 'The Gays' (as I affectionately refer to them) knew that this was going to be a ridiculous night.

At the bar I chatted up ALL of the drag queens, and had a wonderful conversation with a super slim and attractive woman who quickly informed me that she was a dude. I mean, sure it was dark, but she looked awesome! ASIDE: It irritates me sometimes how some men can transform into stunning women, and do sexy womanly things that **I** can't do! Walking in precarious heels, for one...

But I digress. I danced like a mother fucker and spoke to anybody and everybody! My throat is still sore from screaming over the music. A lot of the time I spent sandwiched between The Gays, wiggling my tail off, hands in the air, almost dying of laughter. It was an awesome night! I had some super gorgeous lovelies wanting to dance with me, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and my shirt still smells like sexy bitches.

Near the end of the night the the woman from earlier danced on over and we started to party like it was 1999 - then she leans in and kisses me on the dance floor! I was surprised, but I definitely kissed her back, we danced a bit more, and soon after the boys dragged me out of the club for some late night pizza.

I couldn't stop talking about the kiss! I'm sure I irritated the fuck out of the boys. It was a new experience for me (I enjoy collecting new experiences) and I still couldn't believe it happened.

I called J still drunk, and riding the high that came from dancing like a maniac all night with The Gays, and told Him all about it! I had so much fun that I couldn't believe it! I giggled like a schoolgirl to Him for ages, and when I mentioned the kiss, I did it in a laughing manner, still reeling from the shock of it all. It didn't seem to faze Him at the time.

So hours later, and after speaking on the phone and saying goodnight J and I end up IMing each other, and it comes up that I had crossed a line with that kiss in a substantial way.

I'm not sure why I didn't think it would bother Him, perhaps because it meant nothing to me, no feelings were involved. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes in order to empathize with their position, but it didn't really work in this case. I mean, if J kissed a dude on the dance floor, I might be amused and startled, but I wouldn't feel cheated on or jealous. That's what *I THINK,* anyway, there is only one way to be sure, and I doubt J is up for that.

So we spoke about it, and I apologized for crossing that line, and then we discussed boundaries. We decided that we both need to think about some hard limits, and share that information with each other.

The downfall of my last relationship was a lack of communication. I thought that we were communicating, but we both held back more than we should have. After the relationship ended and we spoke about it, we had a lot of "why didn't you tell me?" moments. I don't want that to happen again.

I asked J outright if he forgave me, but he skirted the question by replying that he wouldn't hold it against me.

I always own up to my mistakes. If I fuck something up, I take responsibility for my action, apologize, and figure out how to avoid making the same mistake in the future. That is all I really can do. That being said, forgiveness isn't *ever* a given.

So now it's 3:45am (apparently a good time to read up on corporal punishment) and I'm not sure I can sleep now, because I'm fretting too much.

I love you desperately, J - and I'm really sorry that I disappointed you.

Miss You,

A